I’ve heard of the “fear of failure.” The idea is that you’re so scared of an idea or a project not working so much that you don’t even try. It makes sense to some capacity. People fear public speaking because they don’t want to look foolish or they’re afraid of asking someone out because they’ll get laughed at. The whole idea is humans are afraid of being rejected because they like to fit in and not receive ridicule.
I have issues with this as I have social anxiety and have a strong desire to have everyone like me, which is really strange because there are some hardcore shitstains who exist but I always find myself fearing looking silly because someone might think a negative thought about me. It seems as though I’ve gone through my most growth as a person has come from doing stuff that makes me scared. That all seems like common sense though we seem to avoid uncomfortable situations because they’re uncomfortable. All this seems like an aside to my real point.
I am an intelligent person. That sounds conceited and I don’t know, maybe it is, but for a lot of my life I have been underemployed and used the economy crash from 10 years ago as an excuse. Not that it didn’t play a factor into my underachieving but I more than used it as an excuse to not apply myself for jobs and other types of projects that I really wanted and to fit a challenge that matches what I’m capable of. Because of this I’ve had people like my wife and parents tell me I’m just afraid of failing but I had a hard time not feeling like it was just laziness. Playing a video game always felt easier and more enjoyable than sitting down and applying for jobs or writing a cover letter or writing my novel….and for the most part passively playing a game IS more fun than those things (even though there is a certain high one can get from attempting self improvement and from really getting into the flow of any kind of those activities. The day dreams one can get from applying for a job that really seems to match your personality can’t exactly be matched by certain aspects of video games in my eyes. Not that I’m knocking gaming at all. Trust me, that’s an activity I’ve dabbled in many times.) But whenever I’d consider doing one of those things I’d think of the back ache I may get, the struggle I’ll go through when it comes to saying the right things and how I would lose time in my day to do the things I really love. Ultimately, it didn’t seem worth it.
The same things happens to me now a days; in my recent desire to explore my creativity I have come up with ample story ideas. The desire to actually sit down and write one of them has been lacking and again it’s because I associate it with fatigue and work I don’t want to do and it doesn’t seem worth it because it just won’t immediately be published (side note: I am strongly working on getting rid of the idea of writing a story with an accomplishment in mind. Truth is, creative writing as a get rich quick scheme isn’t the most successful venture no matter how many times of daydreaming of being some bestseller with a weirdo cover shot in the back of some book. I’m really trying to enjoy the process of making a thing. It works fine until I get to the editing part….fuck the editing part. Except for when I don’t do it it’s pretty easy to question the “I’m intelligent” claim I just made….oh well I guess.)
But I just had another idea for an activity type book that I want to turn into an ebook, now I won’t publish the exact idea on here because odds are I’ll procrastinate and one of you turds will likely steal my idea before I do it, and the work required for this book is more minimal that a lot of my ideas, but I just find myself in a position where I don’t want to do it. Like I said, the effort required for my idea is minimal but when I think of doing the project all I can think of is “what if this doesn’t work” and for some reason it makes the venture not worth it. While I can think of some subconscious indicators that the other avoidant things I do are really indicative of a fear of failing…this is the first time I’ve truly felt like I’m afraid of failing. But why? Why is it that fucking something up is so terrifying. How can one learn without fucking up? And this project isn’t exactly artistic in anyway so why is it I am afraid of the project failing? It wouldn’t really show anything about who I am as a person. I don’t know, maybe I’m ultimately afraid of wasting time and that again goes back to my issue of never enjoying the moment and always working towards the end product as the true reward. Hopefully I’ll take it to heart that the process is what life is really all about….
Whoa, that got deep or some shit. Or maybe that works as a shitty meme or something. I don’t know.