Okay, so I haven’t been able to shake the Avoidant Personality Disorder thing through meditation and positive thinking. I mean, major personality disorders supposedly take years of psychological counseling and medication to treat and from my understanding, even that doesn’t completely get rid of the condition. It just really sucks. I felt like I had this shit under control.
For two solid weeks I woke up excited for work as I felt like I was finally accomplishing something and with moving to a new city I had a lot of cool shit in front of me but what I am finding out is that I’m still too scared to make new friends. I’m too scared to let myself connect to new people and I find it difficult to do my job some days. I’m not really finding myself to be improved. I’m just more tired and more lonely and my motivation to get better has failed. I really have given up on writing lately but the drive to do it again is coming back. I look at creative projects online and see that I still do want a creative career in some capacity. I could probably start by writing on this blog again. I did pay for the damn domain name. I think I just needed the month or so to clear my head.
I’m going to return to trying to find things that I enjoy. I considered making videos again but not about self growth or any of that. I might still do that but I might do something involving what I enjoy. I might talk about sports, specifically the NBA, because I love sports. I have felt like that as a more evolved and mature person that I can’t really enjoy sports but the fact is that’s a major thing that I enjoy. I mean, my first memories revolve around me watching basketball and rooting for the Packers to beat the Bears when I was little just because I thought it was funny to root against my dad’s team. I feel like in shying away from the things that I love, I’m not really growing. So my new activity in growing will now involve trying to do whatever I can to do the things that I enjoy and feel the way I feel in the moment. I’m hoping in doing such things I then push to do new things and hopefully find some new loves along with the old.