I’ve started writing another novel. Just to be clear, I have written two and half but you won’t really find them posted anywhere or published in stores because I am scared of editing them. Just finding the will power to write hundreds of pages was hard enough. To find the will power to do it again and again has just been too much for me. Having said that I haven’t really done the latter for a long time.
My motivation to piece together a story has slowly returned to me it is hard to write when all you do is judge every sentence that goes onto the screen. I can tell after about 9 pages of writing already that this story is flawed and I can’t get what I am writing to match the emotions and feel that I am going for. I suppose that comes with the editing which I really don’t enjoy. There is also a fear that I won’t continue to do this. There’s fear that I will let procrastination turn to apathy and then another story fades away. I have a habit of this. There are countless stories I never finished and while it’s easy to say “just start again” it feels like stories have a shelf life and I can’t return to them once a certain amount of time has passed, which is really disappointing because a couple of stores I have felt this way towards were 100+ pages and it feels like all that time has been wasted.
I can’t help but feel like I have no time. I got angry because I work 50 hours a week and while I’m good at what I do I can’t help but feel I’m wasting time because I want to be in front of my computer listening to music, finding a way to craft emotions into a story and finding a way to create my imagination into characters who come to life. I grow angry because I have a vision for who I want to be and I’m spending a lot of time doing things that don’t lead me to that. Unfortunately the things I don’t want to be doing are very essential to survival as they lead to money and money leads to food. Maybe, someday I will create the discipline and work ethic necessary to give me what I truly desire.