My 30 minutes was actually 15 today and part of me feels as though I slacked but I think it was for good reason and I’ll explain later. I also could do another 15 I suppose but again I’m not going to and I’ll explain that. I do think a lot came from this 15 minutes though so that’s probably the most optimal thing.
I’ll preface this by saying my guided meditation I’ve started doing when I first wake up was productive and I felt rather focused and I’ve ultimately been in a good mood so far today so because of this my mind wasn’t really racing or going in too many directions. The question ended up coming up though; Why am I doing this? It seems to be a fair question and the ultimate answer I always had was I wanted to see what happened but that lack of a clear end goal could make me want to stop. I started thinking about the meditation and mindfulness efforts I’ve been recently making and I think I came to a more clear end goal for who I want to be. I’m going to generalize like a mofo but it’s okay.…I’m still on my journey! When I think meditation I think of two types of people. One is weird (I’m not trying to use such negative judgmental statements less but again….journey….I won’t stop believing that I’ll soon make it there….get it….like Journey….the band…..okay, I’ll stop) law of attraction, positive vibes guy who seems to have the ultimate goal of personal happiness and the other is sensei, monk guy who carries a sense of calm to everything they do. I want to be the second. I realize that pure happiness seems rather impossible, the attempt to attain it at all times seems rather avoidant and the truth is to be able to calmly approach scary things seems more appealing. I feel the moments where I’ve been the best in terms of mental health is when I’m able to have stressful things bounce off of me as opposed to any attempt at being an over the top positive bubbly guy.
What I hope to also attain from all of this is empathy and compassion. I want to be able to hear disagreements with my philosophies on life and not let such things bounce off of me. I want to be able to shrug off an asshole customer. I want to be able to see more aggressive and sometimes awful behavior more as an expression of pain and give forth love and compassion to all mankind. I want to be able to do this while still recognizing that certain actions are not okay because in this sense there is a possibility of invalidating people who harmed people who do things if this isn’t done correctly. Basically I want to take on the individual goal of doing the most compassionate thing I can do at any moment.
I reflected back on myself in the past too and I feel this has been a central value for me for many years. When I was a child I was very religious and it was always the love that Christ preached that drew religion to me. There are many reasons why I drifted from religion but I remember at times devoting myself to doing everything I could to provide the most loving act I could at any given moment and this isn’t a value that’s drifted. When I dig deep through all the defensiveness and anger I feel on a consistent basis that value is still there.
This brings me to one of the reasons 15 minutes was fine. I have a pet rabbit and she recently broke her paw. She runs around in a little cast and it’s adorable but when it was first discovered we learned that her digestive system stopped working correctly and that can lead to fatality in the animal. She sleeps under the bed and comes into the living room when she wakes up with certain expectations when it comes to food and I heard her scatter to the living room while I was doing my silence. Realizing she was awake I thought it important to make sure she was fed as any disruptions could cause her to get sick again so I stopped what I was doing to make sure she was eating. My mentality was the silence I’m doing is for me…if I stuck with doing it the act is now somewhat selfish as I’m choosing meditation over providing for a creature so reliant upon me. So my providing for her was an act of love and in that moment I selected the act of love and ended the silence.
My reasoning then for not continuing has to do with my perfectionism. While my goal is to do 30 minutes every day if at any point I drift from this it could cause me to stop as I didn’t’ stick hard fast to the rule but by giving myself permission to pull from it and then, hopefully continuing tomorrow, I’m ultimately breaking free from that mindset and training my mind to be less of a perfectionist. I’m ultimately giving myself compassion and giving myself the understanding that I too am a human being deserving of those moments of love that I’m trying to extend to others.