I had a lot of irritability this morning when I woke up and could not pinpoint why. I did have a dream about being called back to work while they made decisions over who would get to continue working and who continued to be furloughed and I did not make the cut. I keep having dreams about being at work again and I’m curious as to if it’s because I enjoy what I did for work or if it was because this is the first time I’ve been told I can’t work anymore. I’ve never been fired or laid off before so this was an experience I don’t know (though technically a part time job I had in college was lost due to flooding but I was told I could work at a different location and decided not to and my first retail job my hours were cut to zero but this was never an official furlough or anything and I lived with my parents so I hardly counted it).
I can’t pinpoint if that’s the reason for my anger and low mood this morning and when I thought deeply about it I never really connected the two but if there is a connection I wouldn’t be surprised. But it wasn’t just that connection I couldn’t make, I literally couldn’t pinpoint a subject that made me angry. I did kind of come to the conclusion that I was getting a little irritable as there was a desire to withdraw like I normally do with depression so I kind of decided that I was irritable because I was actually depressed though this was odd as I never actually felt any kind of sadness and even when I told myself it was okay to be sad and depressed and I thought even more in an attempt to unlock depression and sadness but it wasn’t there. One thing I wonder if because I was trying to access depression in an attempt to rid myself of anger instead of truly feeling it I wonder if that made the anger I was feeling somewhat more intense. I also wonder if maybe I wasn’t actually depressed if instead I have depression as something I associate with my personality and therefore my mind and body want naturally are in the habit of depression so because of this I was starting to get a lower mood.
Regardless it became a frustrating experience where it seems my attempts to confront thoughts and moods actually turned into an act of avoidance which made me wonder if I’ll ever escape my avoidant self but I also wonder if confronting the negative emotions one feels in a day is something that can’t be forced. Accepting them in a truly genuine manner means literally accepting that they’re going to be there and embracing them. The more you push (and I can’t help but feel that a forcing kind of acceptance isn’t still pushing) the louder they get until finally it’s accepted.
What I did, since my 30 minutes brought forth so much confusion and no clarity, was pull myself from it. Usually I write this immediately after but I didn’t for hours because I instead just took a bath and played different baseball stuff on YouTube and I got sad. After experiencing the sadness from missing my favorite sport I felt better. I think I’m still sad about all of what’s going on, which is totally understandable, but because I am trying to strengthen my mind and be a damn sage I kind of pushed the negative emotions aside and started becoming the, “Think positive thoughts only” trope I’m trying to avoid. I guess even if in an attempt to build a strong mind it’s still okay to feel pain and I guess, to use a cheesy analogy, it compares to when lifting weights the muscles are going to get sore. I guess my next step is accepting pain but not expressing the pain in harmful ways like for example feeling anger without letting it make me an asshole. I haven’t gotten there but that’s a big skill I’m trying to learn on this weird journey.