It hasn’t been feeling like the exercises I’ve been doing have connected or worked in ways that I’ve remembered them working. I’m not quite sure how to explain what “success” is in relation to this but I suppose I wasn’t feeling like I’m reaching my goals of why I’m doing this, but upon reflecting on this today I had the realization that I wasn’t applying mindfulness and present mindedness like I have in the past. Today when going for a drive to the store I was rather in my head and feeling irritable and started to focus on my senses. Mostly sight. While in the car I focused on the colors and looked closely at the buildings lining the street. I really started paying attention to where I was and what was going on around me and not being so stuck on my thoughts. After a bit my quality of mind changed and my irritability started to fade away.
I tried to carry this into my 30 minutes and after some time an anxiety took over again. I just went to the store and spent more money than I would like (I guess when I’m not employed any money leaving my account feels like more money spent than I’d like and then I just completed my unemployment stuff for the week which countered my fear of bureaucracies and my ever running fear that I’m going to accidentally commit fraud during this process. I felt the beginning of a panic attack, mostly the tightening of my chest and the rumination of thoughts and I decided to sit with it. I’m going to try to explain what I did as best as I can but I feel a challenge articulating it but ultimately I focused on the discomfort, certain elements of the environment I was in, like the feeling my fan on my skin or the weight of my body on my bed, and also on my breath. Within moments it was gone. I even thought about the same thoughts that conjured it up in the first place and I couldn’t. I couldn’t recreate the fear if I had wanted to. I’m hoping this is the beginning of accepting fear but also letting it pass because in the past this has been the key to helping with my mental health in so many ways. I’ve even gotten to the point where I’ve gotten past my severe social anxiety to small talking all kinds of strangers at different gatherings (ah, gatherings) just through similar mindful techniques so it leaves me in an optimistic moment.
The rest of the thought session turned more into flashing images. This started when Chevy Chase as Pierce Hawthorne told me I was gay for the mindful stuff. It then transitioned to Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor in the dreadful Batman v Superman movie (or movies? Did this continue in Dawn of Justice? Batman v Superman broke me so I didn’t continue on after that. Actually did Batman v Superman break Jesse Eisenberg’s career? Has he been in other stuff since?) This then shifted to his sister’s appearances in Pepsi commercials in the late 90s or early 2000s.…whenever it was. (Also, it was mind blowing when I found out the little girl in those commercials was his sister for the first time) This then shifted to the old Diet Pepsi commercials with Ray Charles and the “Uh-huh” campaign that definitely only would have worked in the early 90s. It also shifted to Rookie of the Year when Henry Rowengartner appeared in a Diet Pepsi commercial in the film with Ray Charles (I’m sure this was inspired by the director’s love of Diet pop and not from a cash transaction given by the soda company.) All this kind of led to me wondering how much of my thoughts and world view are dictated by pop culture and entertainment which is leading me to want to look into that more as I continue my third journey into self discovery (there’s probably more but in my head there’s three significant time periods where I’ve done this shit). I’m also wanting to look more into balancing my enjoyment of things that may not be seen as “healthy” but are also pleasurable, and by balance I mean how do I still enjoy stuff like pop culture, entertainment, liquor, unhealthy food but still not let it control me. I guess to further explain I’m trying to discover who I’d be without weird outside crap affecting who I am and those are some of the things that come to mind. Other things would be stuff like my bullying and whatever the hell has triggered my anxiety disorders (if there’s an outside source. It could easily be my head being goofy). Ok, enough nonsensical stream of consciousness stuff from me today!