I Think I’m Getting It But It Doesn’t Feel That Way

                Okay so it’s been a roller coaster of a day. Well not in the sense that anything major has happened (I do have a sick pet that’s stressing me out but in the weird world of layoffs, the world being broke and people dying from a weird d….ok, you know Covid exists I won’t harp on it anymore, but in a personal life it’s more stress than usual in the big picture of society today…it’s not exactly a massive event). I’ve sat in bed and drove a car but internally I’ve been all over the place.

                I ran a couple of errands this morning and I noticed myself just generally more patient. The….interesting driving of Massachusetts residents didn’t really affect me too much. If a person was driving aggressively I empathetically assumed they were going somewhere important and let them float on by like I desperately try to do with my anxious thoughts while the people driving really slow to turn but not using their turn signal I just assumed were in such a calm Zen-like state that who am I to judge. But I found myself being a little more emphatic with my thank you’s and even in a frustrating situation with an emergency vehicle blocking a one way in which I had no out, but I approached calmly and just turned around and finished my trek home.

The fact is my desire to see a world outside myself is coming to fruition….once I actually go outside into it. The problem is with spending so much time inside I sit with my thoughts and, not to belabor the point as the site is LITERALLY CALLED SCARED DUDE…..I worry. A lot. And the theme of the week is how to I defuse from these thoughts but still accept the anxiety. I’m not there yet but I really do feel an acceptance of mindfulness starting to kick in and get strengthened. I’ve found it’s tricky to decipher between thinking you’re being mindful and just being mindful but, and it’s hard to put into words but that’s literally what I’m trying to do so AN EFFORT IS GONNA FRIGGIN’ HAPPEN!!!!! I basically was feeling the world around me. I was getting lost in my senses and because my thoughts weren’t the analytical breakdown of life and a running dialoguge of every possible thing that could go wrong and why it’s gonna fuck me over….I felt good. I was able to feel this for seconds at a time where as a few days ago I could only capture this for brief moments. I don’t expect to ever have a thoughtless mind. I don’t want to have a thoughtless mind. Same with emotions. I don’t ever want them to leave but there was a calmness I felt when it seemed my mind and body were in sync. I hope as time goes on I learn to describe this better because it’s that sensation I am believing to be the entire reason behind meditation and I want more of it.

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